It's only a matter

I'm a time bomb ticking,
I can feel it drawing near -
the explosion, then the triumph
of pain and grief and fear.
Like a train on a downhill
With no brakes, all friction lost,
A smooth slide into chaos
where depression is the boss.

I fight it, oh I fight it,
but I also long to stop;
To lay down my arms and armor
And embrace the endless drop.

In the end, oh, god, what difference
If I triumphed or I failed?
When every day's a struggle
In a prison with no bail?

Still I get up every morning,
Put my cheerful game-face on
Go to work and do my duty
Then stumble my way home.

And I try to offer cheerful
Happy faces to my friends
As the days get ever darker
with the pain that never ends.

Self pity is my Nemesis
My comfort and my bane
And sometimes my only ally
In the struggle with the pain.

Thought for the Day

Who is more to be pitied, a writer bound and gagged by policemen or one living in perfect freedom who has nothing more to say? -Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., novelist (1922-2007) 

Thank you, Anu Garg, and A Word A Day!

My Music Library

Obviously, a work in progress! This is actually my husband's library as well; we store the whole works on a portable hard drive attached to our router.

10cc
3 Doors Down
303 Infinity
50 Cent
A Flock Of Seagulls
A Place to Bury Strangers
A Silent Film
A Tribe Called Quest
Aaron Neville
Abbott & Costello
Abra Moore
AC_DC
Ace of Base
Ace Reporter
Acoustic Minds
Adam Hood
Adele
Aerosmith
Akira
Al Stewart
Alanis Morissette
Alena Apina
Alex Bueno
Alex Clare
Alien Ant Farm
Alison Krauss & Union Station
AlO
Amadan
Amanda Richards
America
American Hi-Fi
Amok Vibes
Amy Winehouse
Anciients
Andrew Belle
Ani Difranco
Animaniacs
Animaniacs_Original Soundtrack
Anjulie
Anne Brown_Avon Long_Decca Symphony Orch
Anne Brown_Decca Symphony Orchestra
Anne Brown_Decca Symphony Orchestra_Eva
Anne Brown_Decca Symphony Orchestra_Todd
Annie Lennox
Anthony Stewart Head
Anti-Flag
Anya Marina
Aphex Twin
Arlo Guthrie and Family
Armagedon
Atomic Rave
Audioslave
Augustus Pablo
Austin Lounge Lizards
Autour De Lucie
Avenue Body Presents After Hours
Avenue Q Soundtrack
Avon Long_Leo Reisman & His Orchestra
AWOLNATION
B.B. King
Bad Religion
Badfinger
Banjo Players
Barbarossa
Barenaked Ladies
Beach Boys
Beatles
Beck
Beethoven
Better Than Ezra
Big Band Dance Party
Big Kid
Bill Withers
Billie Holiday
Billy Joel
Black Uhuru
Blake Shelton
Blame Sally
Blind Pilot
Blink 182
Blondie
Blue Man Group
Blue October
Blue Oyster Cult
Blue ?yster Cult
Blues Image
Blues Traveler_Dave Matthews Band
Bob Dylan
Bob Marley & The Wailers
Bob Marley and the Wailers
Bob Rivers
Bob Rivers & Twisted Radio
Bob Schneider
Bob Seger
Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band
Bobby Freeman
Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
Bonnie Raitt
Bonnie Raitt w_ John Prine
Bonnie Raitt w_ Sippie Wallace
Bookstore Robbery
Born I Music
Bowling for Soup
Boz Scaggs
Brandi Carlile
Brandon Chandler & The Revival
Brandon Chandler &amp_ The Revival
Brett Dennen
Brian Setzer
Britney Spears
Broken Bells
Bruce Hornsby
Bruce Springsteen
Bruce Springsteen, Bonnie Raitt and Jack
Bryan Bowers
Bryan Ferry
Bryan Flannery Band
Buckwheat Zydeco
Build the Sun
Cake
California Guitar Trio
Canned Heat
Canned Heat & John Lee Hooker
Carbon Leaf
Carey Ott
Carl Orff
Carl Perkins
Carly Simon
Carole King
Carolyn Wonderland
Cat Stevens
Celebration!
Celine Dion
Chad Kroeger
Chairlift
Chaka Khan
Charles Mingus
Charlie Daniels Band
Charlie Parker
Cherry Poppin' Daddies
Chicago
Chris Isaak
Chris Margolin & The Dregs
Christina_Mya_Pink_Lil' Kim
Chroma
Chuck Berry
Chumbawamba
Cinematic Orchestra
Clark Country
Cleveland Rocks
Club
Colbie Caillat
Coldplay
Collective Soul
Combustible Edison
Commander Cody
Common Sense
Concrete Cowboys
Congo Natty
Corey Taylor
Corinne Bailey Rae
Count Basie
Counterstrike
Counting Crows
Covey
Cranberries
Crash Test Dummies
Cream
Creed
Creedence Clearwater Revival
Crosby, Stills & Nash
Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
Cynthia Christy
Daft Punk
Dagda
Dan Hicks And The Hot Licks
Dana Carvey
Dana Lyons
Danny Kaye
Dar Williams
DarkUFO
Dashboard Confessional
Dave Clark Five
Dave Matthews Band
David Allan Coe
David Bowie - Trevor Jones
David Bromberg
David Byrne
David Byrne and Brian Eno
David Gilmour
David Gray
David Wilcox
Dayna Manning
Deana Carter
Death Cab For Cutie
Debra Fine
Decca Symphony Orchestra_Edward Matthew_
Decca Symphony Orchestra_Edward Matthews
Decca Symphony Orchestra_Eva Jessye Choi
Decoder
Deep Blue Something
Deep Forest
Deep Purple
Deftones
Dennis Leary
Depeche Mode
Desmond Dekker
Diana Krall
Diarrhea Planet
Dick Dale & the Del-Tones
Dick Dale and Gary Hoey
Dido
Dire Straits
Dishwalla
Dixie Chicks
Dizzy X
DJ Dan
DJ Dara
DJ Funk
Dj HyDrO
DJ Icey
DJ Irene
DJ Liquid
Dj Quicksilver
DJ Scribble
DJ Shadow
DJ Skribble
DJ venom
DJ Z-Trip
DMB, Blues Traveler
Doc Cook's Dreamland Orchestra
Dolly Parton
Dollyrots
Don Henley
Donavon Frankenreiter
Donovan
Doobie Brothers
Dorothy Moore
Dr Dre feat. Eminem
Dr. Demento
Dr. Hook
Dr. John
Duffy
Duncan Sheik
Duran Duran
Eagle Eye Cherry
Eagles
Eartha Kitt
Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
Eek-A-Mouse
Eiffel 65
Eire Lingus
Eliane Elias
Ella & Duke Ellington
Ella Fitzgerald
ELO
Elton John
Elvis Presley
Elvis vs Jxl
Emi & D12
Eminem
Enigma
Enya
Enya - Enigma
Erasure
Eric Clapton
Erykah Badu
Eugene Edwards
Eurotrip Soundtrack
Eurythmics
Evanescence
Everclear
Everlast
Everything
Faith Hill
Faithless
Fallen Angel Choir
Fastball
Feist
Fine Young Cannibals
Fiona
Five For Fighting
Flatt & Scruggs
Fleetwood Mac
Florence + The Machine
FM Soundtrack
Foo Fighters
Fort Vancouver H.S. - Absolute Music - 1
Foster The People
Foundations
Frank Sinatra
Frank Zappa and The Mothers Of Invention
Frankie Goes To Hollywood
Frankie Valli & Four Seasons
Freakhouse
Fugs
Gabriel Mann
Garbage
Garth Brooks
Gary Hoey
Gary Small
Genesis
George Carlin
George Clinton
George Clinton and P-Funk
George Thorogood
Georgia Satellites
Gillette
Gin Blossoms
Gipsy Kings
Glenn Miller
Gnarls Barkley
Godsmack
Golden Earring
Golden Slumbers_ A Father's Love
Goldfinger
Goldfinger_Mest_Good Charlotte
Goldy Locks
Goo Goo Dolls
Good Charlotte
Gorillaz
Gotye
Grammy Nominees 2008
Grateful Dead
Green Day
Greencards, The
Gregory Isaacs
Gregory Porter
Groove Armada
Groucho Marx
Guns N' Roses
Guy Forsyth
Habib Koit? and Bamada
Half Moon Run
Hank Williams, Jr
Hans Zimmer and Lisa Gerrard
Hans Zimmer_Lisa Gerrard
Harper Blynn
Harris, Parton, Ronstadt
Harry Chapin
Harry Connick, Jr
Harry Nilsson
Heart
Heartstrings
Herbie Hancock
Hiatus Kaiyote
Highwaymen
Hockey
House
Hoyt Axton
Iguanas
Imelda May
Incubus
indigo girls
Ingrid Michaelson
Insane Clown Posse
INXS
Irakere
Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
J.J. Cale
Jack Johnson
Jackson Browne
Jade
Jaime Brockett
James Mercer & Brian Burton_Pelican City
James Taylor
James Taylor and Joni Mitchell
Jamiroquai
Jason Mraz
Jeff Black
Jeff Buckley
Jefferson Airplane
Jefferson Starship
Jem
Jennifer Page
Jerry Jeff Walker
Jesse Colin Young
Jesse Winchester
JET
Jewel
Jim Croce
Jimbo
Jimi Hendrix
Jimi Hendrix & BB King
Jimi Hendrix Experience
Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Jimmy Buffett
Jimmy Cliff
Jimmy Eat World
Jimmy Eat World & Jebediah
Joan Armatrading
Joan Baez
Joan Baez & Bob Dylan
Joe Cocker
Joe Walsh
John Belushi
John Coltrane
John Fahey
John Fogerty
John Gary
John Goodman And Billy Crystal
John Lenn and Jimi Hendrix
John Lennon & Yoko Ono
John Mayer
John Mellencamp
John Prine
John Prine With Connie Smith
John Prine With Dolores Keane
John Prine With Emmylou Harris
John Prine with Fiona Prine
John Prine with Iris DeMent
John Prine With Lucinda Williams
John Prine With Melba Montgomery
John Prine With Patty Loveless
John Prine With Trisha Yearwood
John Williams
John Williams - Klimint
John Williams & the Boston Pops Orchestr
Johnny Cash
Johnny Horton
Johnny Mandel
Johnny Mathis
Johnny Winter
Jon Jenkins_Paul Lackey
Joni Mitchell
Juarez
Judy Collins
Julie London
June Christy
Junior Murvin
k.d. lang
k.d. lang & The Siss Boom Bang
Karsh Kale
Katrina and the Waves
Kid Rock
Kim Ralphs
Kimmie Rhodes & Willie Nelson
Kingston Trio
Kinks
Kiss
Kissinger
Korn
Kris Kristofferson
Kristin Connell
KT Tunstall
Larry Bart
Lasgo
Lauryn Hill
Led Zeppelin
Leo Kottke
Leon Redbone
Leonard Cohen
Lester Flatts & Earl Scruggs
Letters To Cleo
Liam Finn
Light Jazz Christmas Eve
Lil' Cap'n Travis
Lily Allen
Limp Bizkit
Lincoln Center Jazz Orchestra & Wynton M
Linda Groves
Linda Ronstadt
Linkin Park
Linkin Park vs. Moby
Linton Kwesi Johnson
Lisa Hannigan
Lisa Mann
Lit
Little Feat
Live
Liz Phair
Lock and Load
Long John Baldry
Lords of the Rhymes
Loreena McKennitt
Loretta Lynn
Lou Bega
Loudon Wainwright III
Louis Armstrong
Louis Armstrong & Ella Fitzgerald
Louise Rose
Loving Spoonful
Luciana Souza_Romero Lubambo
Lucky Girl
Ludwig van Beethoven
Lyle Lovett
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Macy Gray
Madeleine Peyroux
Madison Park
Madonna
Mandy Moore
Manfred Mann
Mannheim Steamroller
Marc Seales
Marcy Playground
Maria McKee
Maria Muldaur
Mariah Carey
Marilyn Manson
Marilyn Monroe
Mario
Mark Knopfler
Mark Knopfler & Emmylou Harris
Mark Knopfler_Emmylou Harris
Mark Van Dale With Enrico
Martin Denny
Marvin Gaye
Mary Ann Moore
Marylin Manson
Master P_
Masterman
Matchbox 20
Matchbox Twenty
Matt Nathanson
Mazzy Star
Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
Mel Torme
Melissa Etheridge
Men at Work
Meredith Brooks
Merril Bainbridge
Mest
Metallica
Michael Allen Harrison
Michael Franti
Michael Franti & Spearhead
Mick Jagger
Mike Murphy
Miles Davis
Minus The Bear
Mobile Applications
Moby
Moby ft. Blue Man Group
Moby_Smashing Pumpkins
Modest Mouse
Monster Mash Rock 'n' Roll Party
Monty Python
Mothers of Invention
Motley Crew
Mozart
Mr. Mister
Mr. President
Mudcrutch
Mumford & Sons
Muppets
Muppets - Gonzo & Jimmy Buffett
Muppets - Kermit
Muppets_ Kermit & Miss Piggy
Murray Perahia
Muse
Nas
Nat King Cole
Natalie Merchant
National Lampoon
National Lampoon Radio Hour
Native Flute Ensemble
Neil  Young & Sarah Mclachlan & Phish
Neil Diamond
Neil Young
Neil Young & Sarah Mclachlan & Phish
Nena
Nerf Herders
New Found Glory
Nick Drake
Nickel Creek
Nickelback
Nina Simone
Nine Days
Nine Inch Nails
Nirvana
No Doubt
Norah Jones
NRBQ
NYC Underground Party-Volume 3-Louie Dev
O.A.R
Oasis
Offspring
OMC
Only Rock'N Roll_ 1980-1984
Orb
Oren Lavie
Ozzy Osbourne
Pat Benatar
Pat Benatar_Blondie
Paul deLay
Paul Simon
Paula Cole
Pearl Jam
Peter Gabriel
Peter Gabriel & Deep Forrest
Peter Paul & Mary
Peter Tosh
Peter Yeates
Phil Collins
Phil Ochs
Phish
Phoenix
Pink
Pink Floyd
Pink Martini
Plain White T's
Play
Playlists
Police
Prefuse 73
Presidents of the United States of Ameri
Pretenders
Previous iTunes Libraries
Primitive Radio Gods
Proclaimers
Puddle Of Mudd
Pushmonkey
Queen
Queens of the Stone Age
Quiet Riot
R. Kelly
Rachel Loy
Radio Free Vestibule
Radiohead
Rainier Truby Trio
Rammstein
Ramones
Randy Newman
Ras Gabriel
Rave Mission 8
Ray Charles
Ray Wylie Hubbard
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Red Hot Chili Peppers & Kurt Cobain
Regina Spektor
REM
Rent
Richard Edlinger
Rick Pickren
Ricochet
Rihanna
Robert Plant & Alison Krauss
Roberta Flack
Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaw
Robin Williams
Rod Stewart
Rodrigo y Gabriela
Rogefeldt Pugh o Th?str?m
Roger Clyne and The Peacemakers
Roger Waters
Roger Waters & Eric Clapton
Roger Waters & Van Morrison
Roky Erickson
Rolling Stones
Rolling Stones & Dave Matthews
Rufus Wainwright
Run-D.M.C., Aerosmith
Rush
Ruxandra Donose
Ry Cooder
Sade
Saliva
Santana
Sara Bareilles
Sarah McLachlan
Sarah Vaughan
Sasha & Digweed
Savage Garden
Saves The Day
Scorpions
Seal
Semisonic
September Songs_ the Music of Kurt Weill
Serge Gainsbourg
Serge Gainsbourg-Brigitte Bardot
Sergio Mendes
Sesame Street
Seven Mary Three
Shaggy
Shawn Colvin
She & Him
Shel Silverstein
Shins
Silver Wilburys
Silverchair
Simon & Garfunkel
Simon And Garfunkel
Simple Plan
Sing-a-Long with The Three Stooges
Sister Hazel
Sixpence None the Richer
Slipknot
Sly and The Family Stone
Smash Mouth
Smashing Pumpkins
SmashMouth
Smothers Brothers
Snow Patrol
Social Distortion
Songs From The Soda Fountain
Soundgarden
Soup Dragons
South Park - Chef
Spike Jones
Spin Doctors
Spoon
Squirrel Nut Zippers
SR-71
Stan Getz with Laurindo Almeida
std
Stealers Wheel
Steel Pulse
Steely Dan
Steppenwolf
Steve Earle
Steve Goodman
Steve Miller Band
Stevie Ray Vaughan
Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble
Stevie Ray Vaughn
Sting
Sting-Edin Karamazov
Stone Sour
Stone Temple Pilots
Stoned Immaculate_ The Music Of The Door
Stratovarius
Sublime
Sugar Ray
Supertramp
Susan Tedeschi
Suzanne Vega
Sweet
Swirling Eddies
System of a Down
Taj Mahal
Tatiana Bulanova
Tatu
Temptations
Terry Gilkyson
The All-American Rejects
The Allman Brothers Band
The Apples In Stereo
The Avett Brothers
The Band
The Ben Taylor Band
The Best Of Ken Burns Jazz
The Best Of Woodstock
The Calling
The Cardigans
The Chemical Brothers
The Civil Wars
The Creatures
The Crystal Method
The Cure
The Cynic Project
The Dandy Warhols
The Decemberists
The Doors
The Firesign Theatre
The Fleetwoods
The Gladiators
The Guess Who
The Irish Rovers
The Killers
The Lemonheads
The Mamas & the Papas
The Manhattan Transfer
The Moody Blues
The Overture
The Posies
The Pubcrawlers
The RaVe MeThOd
The Specials
The Streets
The Synthetic Dream Foundation
The Ting Tings
The Vestibules
The Wallflowers
The Weepies
The Who
They Might Be Giants
Thievery Corporation
Third Eye Blind
Thomas Newman
Three Dog Night
Three Irish Tenors
Timbuk 3
TISM
Tito Puente
TLC
Tom Lehrer
Tom Paxton
Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
Tom Rush
Tom Waits
Tommy Dorsey
Tony Furtado
Tony Joe White
Tool
Toots And The Maytals
Tori  Amos with Leonard Cohen
Tori Amos
Toto
Tower of Power
Townes Van Zandt
Tracy Chapman
Trans-Siberian Orchestra
Trapt
Traveling Wilburys
Tremolo
Trio
Trout Fishing In America
Twisted Tunes
Type O Negative
U2
Ub40
Uncle Cracker
Unknown Artist
Usher
Ute Lemper
Van Halen
Van Morrison
Vanilla Fudge
Vanilla Ice
Various Artists
Vast
Vertical Horizon
Veruca Salt
Verve Pipe
VH1 Storytellers
Vivaldi
Walter Egan
Wanna Hear - Or Music
War
Warren G
Warren Zevon
Waylon Jennings & Willie Nelson
Wayne Gratz
Wayne Wallace
Weekend Players
Weezer
Weil+Brecht
Weird Al Yankovic
Wendy James
Wheatus
White Stripes
Wild Wild West soundtrack
Will Smith
Willie Nelson
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Wycliff Jean
Wycliff Jean & Kenny Rogers
Wynton Marsalis and The Lincoln Center J
Yesterday's New Quintet
Yo La Tengo
You're the Tops!
Yo-Yo Ma
Yo-Yo Ma_Edgar Meyer_Mark O'Connor
Zabriskie Point Soundtrack
Zap Mama
Zebrahead
Zero 7
ZZ Top

Doncha love the juxtapositions?!?!

Creator, creation and us

Here's how I think it goes, is going, has gone, will forever go:

There was a mote on a wave, another mote on another wave nearby. The waves became one, the motes coalesced. Was there a bang? A whimper? Probably not, but there was a something. And the pressure built and built, and the stress grew greater and greater (perhaps now a whimper); and the +mote and the wave and the something and time perhaps, perhaps folded or warped or condensed past bearing. And it all flew apart in a thousand million directions.

But it never forgot it had once been One Thing, any more than your finger can forget being part of your hand. Not memory so much as: it just IS.

Since matter is neither created nor destroyed, all things were in the +mote: Saturn and her rings, The Beatles, the iMac, beach sand and horses; the stones of Calvary and the stones of Stonehenge; the gold in my wedding ring, the silver in a coin, the iron in blood, the salt in sweat and tears; you. Also: all the breaths we all have ever taken, all the milk we have made, we have drunk, we have spilled; cows and cowpox; boomerangs and boomers; orangutangs and oranges; ants and antebellum gowns.

When we have those liminal flashes of oneness with the Universe, it's because we are.

When we feel as though our Creator is smiling on us, delighting in us, and smoothing the path before our feet, it is because we have, for a tiny moment, felt the connection of ourselves, the cells of us, with the air around us, the moisture and breeze, and the path itself, reaching toward our feet.

I believe the story of Adam and Eve, and the other stories of becoming human, are a race memory of awareness growing, of breathing in, inspiration of the life in us and around us.

Anyone who has had a lover has known the moment when it is unclear where one stops and the other starts. Anyone who has held a child has felt a fragment of that same unity. I think we are meant to feel that way all the time; it is our refusal to surrender our "individuality" that makes the space between us.

Finally, I believe the true message of all prophets and seers is not only that god loves us; it is that each of us contains a piece of god-stuff, part of the +mote; that we are one with god as we are one with every thing, person, breath. And to love as god loves, as your cells love / adhere to / collaborate with / use and are used by each other, all of us, one thing.

That's how I think it goes, is going, has gone, will forever go; as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever.

"We are stardust.We are golden..We are billion year old carbon.And we've got to get ourselves back to the garden." - Joni Mitchell, Woodstock

Lessons for Life

Hard-won wisdom from too many years of getting it wrong.

1. Show up on time and prepared. This spares you a lot of embarrassment, stress and explanation. Think about it: do you like being the last person to arrive at the meeting, movie or party, breathless and disheveled, while everyone else is standing around, genial and relaxed, smiling and talking? Or would you rather be standing there smiling and talking, waiting for the late arrivals?

2. If you did it, don't say you didn't; and a corollary: if you didn't do it, don't say you did. It's surprising how many times we think no one is watching, but they are. Or videotaping, or eavesdropping ... Really, it's much better (professionally and personally) to take responsibility for actions or inactions; sins of commission or omission.

3. Don't lie, even about the stupid little stuff. If you blow off a meeting with your friend because a hot date turned up, just say so. Don't say, "I have a stomach ache," or "I have to stay home and study." You'll never be able to brag about the hot date! Worse, you'll become known as an opportunistic liar, and will lose the trust of your friends.

More later ...

Freed from the need for speed

About this speed limit thing: it's not really just a suggestion, or a rule for "those" people who aren't well-trained athletic drivers with panther-like reflexes and almost eerie ability to predict the movement of other vehicles ... like us! Nope, it's actually a law.

More than a year ago (perhaps more than two years ago), a man I like quite well stated publicly that he drove the speed limit. Because it was the law. I resisted the urge to sneer, snort with derision and point my finger at him, but just barely. Because at that time, if the speed limit was 30, I drove 35; if it was 40, I drove 46; if it was 50, I cruised at 57; if 60 was posted, I was making 68 out of the gate; if 70 was the limit, as near to 80 as I could get was where I set my cruise control. Who knows what I would have done if there was no limit!

One day I started thinking about it.

This was precision scofflaw; well premeditated violation; I always did this. Always. Only 3 possibilities occurred to me:

• I was really in a hurry (totally contrary to the rest of my life);
• It was a sort of childish rebellion (ha hah! I'm being baaaaaaaad!!!); or
• It was a much darker contempt for authority: suitable for you sheep, but not me, the Most Important Person on the Highway Today!

You can imagine how this made me feel (well, perhaps not). I'm a lifelong believer in Law: we are a nation of laws, we rely on the Rule of Law to keep our wilder impulses in check. And here I was, flouting it all.

I drive the speed limit now (well, most of the time; I try not to obstruct traffic!). I'm not above the law. I'm not a better driver than everyone else. I'm not more important. More importantly, I want to live in a country where law rules, not personal preference; where the rules are for everyone, not just people who want to follow them.

I won't say, Don't speed. Only you can decide whether to obey the law, or treat it with contempt. But at least think about the implications.

Gestation

I'm pregnant with something
Ponderous, ominous.
It's hard to keep my balance
since I lost so much of my vision.
But in this waiting room
I dimly see we're all in
the same delicate condition.
I feel less alone
when I look away from my own
awkward form.

Diet of Grief

Death is hard to swallow,
and nearly always upsets my stomach.

The slippery truth of light leaving eyes,
the gritty reality of cooling skin,
the undigestible lump of loss and sorrow,
when swallowed, do not pass away with ease.
They leave an all-pervasive stomach ache.

I have eaten too freely of
the excruciating feast of the grieved:
bitter herbs washed down by vinegar.

Time will pass, has passed, does always pass
at the variable rate of grief-time:
4-hour days, long hours, sprinting years.

One day the death will be one whole year old,
annual feasts consumed without the lost:
Turkey, ham and beef roast,
pumpkin pie and birthday cake.

Then two, then five, then 20.
The calendar becomes the wonder page:
"I can't believe another year has passed ..."

One day a meal will not contain
a single item that the lost one liked
but only the flavors of a new life;
A dish of acquiescence, garnished well
with fruits new-ripened during days in hell.

Like a stream into a river

Jim Gardiner did not charm me when we met. He wasn't warm, not a hugger. He was frankly baffled by our easy intimacy with him, our casual love that we offered without a moment's doubt it would be accepted, returned, allowed to flourish in the brushy undergrowth of holidays, birthdays, picnics and other life passages.

He and my sister shared a love that surprised me with its tenacity. It was as though he thought he couldn't be loved, and as though she thought she couldn't love anyone else. It was hard to watch sometimes, sometimes it was a joy to observe.

They only got a year. A few years of wooing, a year of marriage, two years of heartbreak.

While I  loved  Jim because he loved my sister, he really shoe-horned himself into my heart in the time-honored fashion: by loving my child - more accurately, my grandchild. My daughter came to visit from Augusta, and we organized a picnic/fishing trip at Lacamas Lake.

Jim met Fiona, and it was instant mutual love.

They played peek-a-boo. They shared food. They took a walk, Jim acting as a tour guide through the wonderland of Western botany.

It was as though by opening his heart to embrace Cheryle, he had allowed a fissure to remain, allowing the love for this small person to enter and freshen and nourish the ground. Jim later told me he hadn't responded to a child like that since his daughter was born.

I could be wrong, but I like to think his acceptance of Fiona's fondness prepared the way for the flood of love he felt for his granddaughter, Ada.

It seemed natural that his affection for Ada created of tide of warmth and love for her brother Felix, our family, and those around him. While Jim was not a religious man, when I saw him around his grandchildren he seemed filled with grace and light.

Maybe it was just a reflection on the river of family times.

My sister's birthday 2013

6/25, Monday: My sister's birthday, and we went to dinner at Acapulco, a restaurant near Mall 205. Mike & Christina brought Felix, who kept us entertained with his energetic antics; Ben and Briana brought Addison and Drew. Addison was acting especially adult, a miniature Ben. Drew was giggly and sweet, charming her Granny! Steve joined us on his motorcycle, right from work. I was the last to arrive. It got a little drunk out. I think Cheryle had a good time - she got to wear The Sombrero, and the staff sang to her! Mike described our waiter as "the most attentive bad waiter he'd ever had." It was true - he was terrible, but  kept us informed on the progress of our meals. At the end, he did a charming little pas de trois, sorting individual tickets into neat piles according to who was paying. It was appalling, on an order with seeing sausage made, or watching a transmission rebuild. Really: I don't care how you do it; just do it.

Disney denier

My husband accuses me of hypocrisy, and he's right to. Disney's latest - trying to copyright "Día de los Muertos" (http://www.cartoonbrew.com/disney/digging-into-disneys-day-of-the-dead-problem-82956.html) - started a discussion between us. I wondered how Disney survived as a company; he pointed out that every time one of our children wanted to see a Disney movie, he said no and I said yes; and we watched it.

What's wrong with Disney? The company

1. sexualizes children;
2. took acres of beautiful natural land and turned it into an acquisition generator, where children are taught to want things that create a desire for more things;
3. They are - as the above-referenced article points out - culturally tone-deaf;
4. They stereotype, and perpetuate stereotyping.

The movies are beautiful. The theme parks are fun. Some parts are educational. But then, you have to do all that counter-programming!

And of course, they have nearly destroyed any hope of a sensible set of copyright laws, with their campaigns to extend their image protections essentially forever.

I know that criticizing Disney gets you awarded the "wet blanket of the year" prize. And maybe I'm just getting querulous as I age. I'd sure like to hear counter opinion! Bring it, people :)

Between Doubt and Faith

I think of myself as a concrete thinker. I'm not fanciful. I don't believe angels walk among men, and I don't believe in UFOs or grey men with ovoid eyes.

On the other hand, I'm a Christian.

"I believe in one God, the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth ..."

The words I recite each Sunday sometimes cause me to mentally cross my fingers behind my back. I don't believe in "the Old Guy in the Sky." I do believe in an Intention for order (for good, if you will), in the universe. I don't know the nature of this force, but I know this: we are happier when we are helpful. We are more at peace when we turn from darkness toward beauty. We are more fulfilled in community.

I suppose the nature of faith is, for me, accepting that I cannot understand the nature or the parameters of this force. But I can act in ways that make me feel closer to this force. When I am moving in the right way, I feel as though I'm standing in a warm light. The light shows me the next step, but doesn't push or impel me to it, any more than a flashlight compels your steps.

Creator, redeemer, spiritual guide: Light my way toward more love and less fear; toward better stewardship and away from waste; and keep me ever mindful of the needs of other.

Everything God Is Not, You Are

Everything God is not, you are:
Tangible (your strong legs, calloused hands, dear face, rough beard);
Savory (oh your mouth!);
Visible (the special blessing of watching as you age, your hair receding, your skin softening);
Audible (ever my favorite conversationalist, my dearest voice);
Aromatic (your scent in my nose is the very air of home);
But still,
Always a little unknowable.

You are the firm ground I stand on,
The compass by which I set my path,
The sun that lights my days, and warms me,
The moon that blesses my nights.

You are the guide that shows me the way,
The strong hand that helps me up when I falter,
The tender heart that aches when I ache,
The generous spirit that teaches me to be kind.

Chance moved us together,
Love and change bound us each to the other,
A constant will, a firm intention,
Holds us in each other's care.

Love isn't love that alters when the lovers do,
We change and love together, me and you.

As I drove by in my car

Across a foggy fallow field
a man
and a dog
were back-dropped
by besilvered weeds and billowing clouds.

The fog was sinuous, silky,
its density changing with every wind.

The man was alert, as was the dog.
Not worried or concerned; but focused
laser-like in the moment and the fog.

Partnered in the fallow field,
the man
and the dog
were so deeply engaged in being
they didn't even know they were wet.

Night fall

I saw the most amazing thing in evening's darkening sky:
A flash of silver, livid smudge, a spiral staircase down
From darker cloud to lighter cloud and finally to ground.
I didn't know I watched somebody's best beloved die.